The New Year is upon us. 2023. It seems like only yesterday that we were up at midnight on New Year’s Eve, 1999, wringing our hands at what catastrophes might await us at the beginning of Y2K – the year 2000. It was thought there was a problem in the coding of computerized systems that would create chaos in computers and computer networks around the world as the year 2000 made its presence known. Some even predicted our telephone network and power grid would blow up as a result.
It didn’t happen. As we approach Y2KXXIII, I am still getting calls wanting to extend the warranty on a car I don’t own and Georgia Power is still hosing its customers.
Had the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Georgia, been around in those days I doubt there would have been all that handwringing. That is because the world had not yet been introduced to Junior E. Lee, one of the world’s preeminent media analysts as well as a pest control professional. Junior would have said that our computers crashing was about as likely as a Bilobed Looper singing selections from Handel’s Messiah. Junior is famous for his pest control tropes.
There is no other organization I know of that has a preeminent media analyst who is also a pest control professional. Listen to Rachel Maddow or Tucker Carlson blather about whatever and then ask them if they know the difference between Sicariidae and Scutigeridae and see the blank look on their faces.
I called Junior this week because I knew you would be anxious to get his take on what Y2KXXIII has in store for us. I found him out at Arveen Ridley’s place spraying for cow ticks. He told me he had not yet finished his analysis of our highly-anticipated Round-or-Square poll (“You provide the dough and we will cook the numbers.”) but there were several trends developing that he found of interest and thought you would, too.
First off, Junior E. Lee predicts that somewhere along about the middle of August, Donald Trump will have run out of people to insult and will be forced to demean Beanie Babies. (“Pongo is a stupid penguin. Just stupid. And fake. Terribly fake. He has never supported me. Pongo doesn’t appreciate all the incredible things I did for penguins during the China virus. He’s a bad penguin. Really bad.”)
As for our current president, Junior says that after trying to locate a dead congresswoman at recent speech and asking a wheelchair-pound state senator to “stand up, let the people see you,” don’t be surprised if Joe Biden compliments Gerald Ford for all the electric vehicles he is producing at his factory in Detroit.
I asked Junior E. Lee if the poll showed some interesting trends developing in Georgia. Ever the pest control professional, he said he thinks woodpeckers will eat an increasing number of emerald ash borers this year before they can mess up anymore of our trees. I told him I knew you would find that fascinating but what about our economy?
Junior said while our state is in excellent shape financially, the poll indicates that we can save even more money. He says we are wasting paint putting lines down the middle of our highways because nobody ever goes north. They all come south. I didn’t want to offend Junior, but that is nothing new.
In the category of sports, Junior E. Lee thinks the new football coach at the You-Know-Where Institute of Technology may have sniffed a bad bunch of malathion. The guy claims he is going to “dominate” his opponents, including the University of Georgia. I asked him what the polls show regarding that possibility. Junior said that was about as likely to happen as a Bilobed Looper singing selections from Handel’s Messiah. Junior and his pest control tropes again.
There was so much more I wanted to ask Junior but he said he was in a hurry to get to Aunt Flossie Felmer’s and poke around in her drawers. He claims he is looking for fire ants. Frankly, I think Junior spends too much poking around in Aunt Flossie’s drawers but I don’t say anything. Finding a preeminent media analyst who is also a pest control professional is not easy. I mean, can you see Rachel Maddow or Tucker Carlson crawling around in your basement, spraying hexaflumuron to try and get rid of termites? I rest my case. Happy 2YXXIII.
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at dick@dickyarbrough.com; at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139 or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/dickyarb