Nov. 16, 2003: Why Zell Miller Doesn’t Want to be Senator Anymore

Rap! Rap! Rap! “I declare this session of the U.S. Senate open for business. We will dispense with the Morning Prayer because the ACLU has told us that praying in a government building is clearly a violation of church and state. The chair recognizes the gentleman from Georgia, Zell Miller.”

“Mr. President, we aren’t praying because all you liberal turnip brains up north are scared of the ACLU. Besides, y’all couldn’t tell a prayer from a wet sow on a cornstalk.”

“Mr. President! Mr. President!”

“The chair recognizes Mr. Schumer, from New York.”

“Mr. President, I have no idea what that meant, but I think Zell Miller just insulted us, which he does all the time. Well, he needs to understand that we can get just as down and dirty as he can. Mr. Miller, you are a dummy head!”

“The chair recognizes the other senator from New York, Ms. Clinton.”

“Mr. President, Mr. Schumer does not speak for the people of New York. Zell Miller isn’t a dummy head. He was an early supporter of my husband, Whatshisname, when he ran for president. Everybody in Georgia admires him. That is why that state only has one senator.”

“The chair respectfully reminds everybody that Georgia does indeed have a second senator. His name is Saxby Chambliss.”

“How come we have never seen him, Mr. President?”

“He spends all of his time appearing on television news programs and can’t make it to our sessions. Last time I looked, he had more fact time on TV than Oprah.”

“Mr. President!”

“Yes, Mr. Kerry?”

“I am running for president and I think Howard Dean is a dummy head.”

“Thank you, Mr. Kerry. Mr. Miller, you had your hand up?”

“It’s about dang time somebody grabbed the lick log and flat-out skinned that barn dog of a buzzard.”

“Mr. President, can you translate for us?”

“Sorry, Mr. Kerry, I don’t have a clue. The chair recognizes Robert Byrd of West Virginia.”

“Mr. President, as you all know, I think I am the wisest person in the Senate.”

“Hell, Bob, that’s like calling yourself the fastest mule in the barn.”

“Mr. Miller, please don’t interrupt Mr. Byrd when he is awake.”

“Mr. President, I forgot what I was saying. I’m going back to sleep.”

“Have a nice nap, Mr. Byrd. The chair recognizes Mr. Lieberman.”

“Mr. President, John Kerry is a dummy head.”

“Thank you, Mr. Lieberman.”

“Mr. President!”

“The chair recognizes the senator from Massachusetts, Mr. Kennedy.”

“Mr. President, yesterday I ate nine jumbo pizzas and drank a case of beer without exhaling.”

“Thank you for sharing that with us, Mr. Kennedy.”

“Mr. President!”

“Yes, Mr. Miller?”

“I’ve got to get out of here. This place is nuttier than a bunch of Claxton fruitcakes, and y’all are about as useless as a rooster with a rake.”

“Mr. President! Mr. President!”

“Yes, Senator Daschle?”

“I think Zell Miller just called us a bunch of dummy heads!”

“Good grief! We are adjourned.”