Aug. 12, 2002: Roy a Winner and Other Old News

The political silly season is in full flower and we are being engulfed in polls, prognostications and enough hot air to float a squadron of 747s.

I have tried to ignore all the furor by focusing on more important matters like why is it that when I try to pay for my gas at the service station, I always end up behind some yahoo purchasing lottery tickets? Or, why do Methodists encourage women to preach, but Baptists don’t? Does that mean one side has guessed wrong and is going to hell?

Yet, I am keenly aware that if I don’t provide you with unique insights on the upcoming elections, you may feel compelled to look elsewhere for political wisdom. That would make me irrelevant and might force me to (shudder!) get a real job. Having come face-to-face with that scary thought, I immediately mobilized my impeccable sources across the state, spent countless minutes analyzing polling data and thoroughly researched Tom Murphy’s horoscope for the month of July. I feel confident that I can now give you the real poop on what is going to happen in the wonderful world of Georgia politics. Remember, you read it here first.

In the governor’s race, my impeccable sources tell me that it is irrelevant which sacrificial lamb the Republicans offer — Linda (Frick) Shrenko, Bill (Frack) Byrne or Sonny Perdue, author of the much-beloved natural gas deregulation natural bill — Roy Barnes will win re-election easily. That’s not news. Even the Republicans know that. But here is something nobody knew but me (until I chose to share it with you). In a demonstration of compassion and reconciliation following the election, Governor Barnes will enact legislation encouraging all state flag opponents to adopt the Old South lifestyle they have so vigorously defended. The diehards will be allowed to spend the rest of their days without electricity, indoor plumbing or adequate schools and can keep all the boll weevils they find.

In the lieutenant governor’s race, whoever the big guy is that now has the job will get to keep it because voters don’t know his name or what he does and don’t really care.

Lauren “Bubba” McDonald will easily win reelection to the Georgia Public Service Commission because the State Supreme Court ruled that his opponent Mac Barber, who is 110 years old and thought he was running for president, failed to meet the residency requirements. My impeccable sources tell me McDonald will continue to call his friends in high places and complain whenever I publicly mention my concerns about entrusting the complexities of utility regulation to a guy named Bubba.

Our Ambassador to Outer Space, Cynthia McKinney, is still a national embarrassment to every living being except her daddy, but she will probably get reelected because many of her black constituents want to see her stick it to the blue-eyed Anglo-Americans, thus proving that racism is alive and well.

In the other Congressional races, all the incumbents are a shoo-in for reelection except Bob Barr, who was put into the same district with John Linder. Linder will beat Barr, who will then move to another district and start impeachment proceedings. Barbara Dooley will win the Republican primary in the new 12th District and scare the hell out of the Democrats this fall. Roger Kahn is running against Buddy Darden is the new 11th district Democratic primary. I like both of them and I wish they would agree to share the job, but I don’t think you can’t do that. Whoever wins the primary will win the election in the fall, because the Legislature has rigged the 11th district in the Democrats’ favor.

In the senate race, Republican Saxby Chambliss is going to get the Republican nomination but will have a hard time defeating Max Cleland, because it is difficult to beat Democratic incumbents in Georgia. It wouldn’t break my heart if Cleland lost because he voted against the Boy Scouts. If you are a Boy Scout, or know someone who is, you might want to remember that fact. I think I would like Cleland a lot better if he admitted his liberal voting record, instead of trying to act like Zell Miller (who voted for the Boy Scouts).

This is probably more political stuff than you wanted, but now you know everything I know. In the meantime, if I find something new in Tom Murphy’s horoscope, I’ll get right back to you.