Sep. 7, 2003: An In-Depth Analysis of the Democratic Presidential Candidates

A recent nationwide media survey of registered voters showed that two-thirds of them couldn’t name even one of the current nine Democrats running for president. The other one-third thought the nine candidates were the Three Stooges; the Pep Boys: Manny, Moe and Jack; and the airheaded Dixie Chicks.

Obviously, the pollsters didn’t contact you because anybody who can’t name at least one Democratic candidate has to be dumb as dirt, and only smart people read this column. However, since you may have a dumb friend or two, you might find this in-depth analysis of the Democratic candidates helpful. Please feel free to pass it along to your dumb friends and suggest they memorize the information or use it to line their birdcages.

To date, the leading Democratic candidate seems to be Howard Dean. In the past, I have referred to him as Dr. Strangelove from the People’s Republic of Vermont. His supporters don’t like that. That is because his supporters don’t have a sense of humor. I think their pupils are dilated all the time. They won’t like that either.

John Kerry is the guy who looks like his face was chiseled out of granite. He is the junior senator from Massachusetts only because the Kennedys ran out of cousins. If you are for a strong national defense, Kerry will tell you he served with distinction in Vietnam. If you aren’t, he’ll tell you he threw his medals away. The last person from Massachusetts to run for president was Michael Dukakis. You might want to make a note of that.

Joe Lieberman, the senator from Connecticut, smiles a lot and is the only Democrat in the field who doesn’t pander to special-interest groups such as Hollywood Black Gays Against God. Senator Lieberman strikes me as a nice guy. Of course, you and I know what happens to nice guys.

Richard Gephardt is a congressman from Missouri who uses too much hair spray. I like Missouri better than Vermont because that is where my hero, Harry Truman, is from. Unfortunately, Gephardt is no Harry Truman. Then again, who is?

Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina gets one point for running since he is from the South. However, we must deduct three points because he is a trial attorney. Trial attorneys sue people way too much and then they raise money from other trial attorneys and run for president. Stating this fact will probably get me sued.

Bob Graham is a senator from Florida. He gets no points for that because, even though it’s in the South, Florida is where Steve Spurrier used to coach football. I spent too many Saturdays in Jacksonville watching the University of Florida beat my beloved Georgia Bulldogs and then listening to Spurrier gloat about it. I hate gloaters. I hate Spurrier. None of this is Graham’s fault, but I don’t care.

Al Sharpton strikes me as a slicked-up version of Jesse Jackson. That is not meant as a compliment. I like Jesse Jackson even less than I like Steve Spurrier. Democrats should be seriously embarrassed having this loose cannon in their party running for president. If they aren’t, they are in worse shape than I thought.

Carol Moseley Braun used to be a senator from Illinois, but she got beat after one term. Somehow, she believes that qualifies her to be president. She couldn’t please her constituents in one state and now she wants to run the whole country. I hope that doesn’t give Max Cleland any ideas.

Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich is considered the most liberal of the whole crowd, including Dr. Strangelove. That is akin to being called the ugliest goat in the barnyard. He was once mayor of Cleveland, in case that means anything to you. It doesn’t to me. Even those who responded to the poll won’t vote for him. They may be dumb, but they aren’t that dumb.

I hope you have found this analysis helpful. If I receive any further information that indicates Larry, Moe, Curly, any of the Pep Boys, some airhead female country singer, Chelsea Clinton or Sheila the Family Wonder Dog are getting into the Democratic primary, you will be the first to know.