October 19, 2000: Lesson from the USS Cole Bombing: Terrorists are Cowards

I usually leave world issues to those self-important prigs in the national news media who grace the Sunday talk shows with their pontifications, but not today.I’m ready to solve the problem of Arab terrorism.

Enough is enough. When a bunch of weirdos crash a boat into the side of an United States destroyer and kill 17 American sailors, kids who were simply doing their duty, we need to employ the Reagan doctrine — bomb the terrorists into the Middle Ages where their lifestyle would be much more appropriate.

People who plant bombs in order to kill bystanders are cowards, pure and simple. And don’t give me this crap about oppression. Arabs sit on most of the oil in the world, but they are too busy burning flags, chanting gibberish and throwing rocks to really care. They are always mad at somebody — usually the United States — about something. They ought to be thanking us.

If we didn’t own gas-guzzling SUVs and insist on driving a block and a half at 70 miles an hour for a loaf of bread, they’d be using that oil as hair tonic.

The screwballs think blowing themselves and others to smithereens gets them some kind of attaboy from Allah. You’d think Allah has preferred seating in heaven and the bigger the bomb, the better the accommodations. Frankly, I like the Methodist way better. In the Methodist church, we pledge money to the church budget, hoping that will curry favor upstairs. Our doctrine frowns on taking fellow parishioners to heaven via nitroglycerine. It hurts the budget and makes the preacher cranky. Lest I malign a whole race of people, let me be more specific. I am talking about Arab men. They have treated women like dirtbags since Ishmael was a pup. The ladies have to wear long dresses and totally cover their faces.

They can’t vote, drive, wear mascara, watch MTV or color their hair green and spike it like their American counterparts. Women also are expressly forbidden to blow themselves up to gain favor with Allah. That’s strictly a guy thing. I suspect that’s one reason women agreed to cover their faces — to keep the men from seeing them snicker. My favorite ranting to come out of the Arab world is their pledge to ”eliminate the nation of Israel.” Yeah, right. If memory serves me correctly, the last time that was tried was 1967. The war lasted about two and a half minutes. The Israelis cleaned their clock and pushed them so far back they were in the outskirts of Alaska by nightfall. The war would have been over sooner, but Israeli soldiers kept stopping to pick up the guns, tanks and airplanes their intrepid enemy left behind in their haste to get out of town.

Now a new generation of nutcases is ready to challenge Israel again. I would suggest they save their bomb-blowing breath. Unlike the United States, which takes acts of terrorism and turns them into flowing oratory, the Israelis will put a big-time hurt on you. They don’t stand around throwing rocks, burning flags and debasing women. They fight.

That is why the sons of Allah have to plant bombs. They won’t fight like men. Despite having more money than Bill Gates and Ted Turner combined, they can’t get up a good army. George Bush had to bail out some Arab country’s chestnuts in the Middle East in 1992 because they had all this oil, but had neither the ability nor will to defend it.

I would like to encourage the Emirs, Sheiks, Ayatollahs, Kings and whatever else they call themselves over there to get their cowardly bombers out of the caves and put them in a United Arab army, made up of Iran, Iraq, Libya, Saudi Arabia, Yemen and whoever else wants to join — kind of like an all-star team. Train for as long as you want. We’ll wait.

When you are ready to fight like men, call me. I will spot you half the Sahara Desert and then sic a battalion or so of the Georgia National Guard on you. I promise they will run you straight into the Mediterranean, Dead, Red or whatever sea you live around. Only rule is we get dibs on the guns, tanks and airplanes you abandon as you turn tail and run.

In the meantime, take your bombs and put them where the sun doesn’t shine.