Nov. 15, 2004: An Exclusive Look Inside a Democratic Party Strategy Session

I appreciate everyone coming today as we try to figure out how the Democratic Party blew the presidential election and to see what we can do to turn things around. Clearly, the American public doesn’t have a clue what they have done. They are a bunch of ignorant morons who don’t know what is best for them. They probably don’t even read the New York Times. It is imperative that we find someone who can relate to this bunch of right-wing, evangelical, homophobic boobs.

Mr. Chairman?

The Chair recognizes Howard Dean of Vermont.

Mr. Chairman, I can lead us to victory in 2008. I will campaign in NEW HAMPSHIRE! and OKLAHOMA! and NEW MEXICO! and YAAAHHH! Oops! I just spit up on myself.

Mr. Dean, thank you. Let us get back to you on your generous offer. In the meantime, please wipe the barf off your chin.

The chair recognizes the Rev. Jesse Jackson.

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! All you big shots need to know.

I’m after you, like flies on honey.

To get rid of me, you gotta pay big money!

Rev. Jackson, you are in the wrong room. The Coca-Cola Company is meeting next door.

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Then that’s the place I need to go.

But if you wanna make this party great,

I’ll be your candidate in Two-Double-O-Eight.

A wonderful suggestion, Rev. Jackson. Thank you. President Carter, you have your hand up.

Mr. Chairman, what year is it? Am I still president? Want to know what I think about Cambodia?

Would someone be kind enough to get Mr. Carter a package of peanuts and a coloring book and keep him occupied until we get through our meeting?

The chair is delighted to recognize our party’s elder statesman, the Honorable Ted Kennedy. Sen. Kennedy, we would be grateful to hear any words of wisdom you would like to share with us.

Did you know that I can eat an entire chocolate cake and drink a case of beer without exhaling? Bet you can’t do that.

Thank you, Senator. That is very impressive. Would someone get Mr. Kennedy a chocolate cake and a case of beer and sit him over there by Mr. Carter?

I see John Kerry is here. Sen. Kerry, I’m surprised you showed up, given your abysmal performance in the elections.

Actually, I don’t want to speak, but my wife, Teresa, has something to say.

You are a bunch of high-brow elitists, totally out of touch with the public. None of you have had to scratch out a living with your bare hands like I have. You don’t know what it is like to be out in the bitter cold, harvesting catsup plants. You think it’s easy picking those little plastic packages off catsup plants? It is hard work, buster. I didn’t become a billionaire by marrying rich people. Or did I? Now, I can’t remember. Fiddlesticks. Mr. Chairman, let me think about that and get back to you.

That’s fine, Ms. Kerry. The chair now recognizes Sen. Hillary Clinton.

Mr. Chairman, thank you for all your hard work in putting this meeting together. I feel badly that you have wasted your time. I will be the Democratic candidate in 2008. Period. I strongly suggest that none of you get in my way because if you try to stop me, I will squash you like a bug. Besides, I am the only Democratic candidate who can appeal to Southern voters. That is because I used to live in Arkansas, which is somewhere around Cleveland or Spokane, I think.

Very inspiring words, Ms. Clinton, and we will certainly take them under advisement. Before we adjourn, the chair would like to recognize Sen. Zell Miller of Georgia.

I ain’t gonna say this but once. You no-account, fancy-pants sissies couldn’t mow a bale of hay if your mule ate grits on Sunday. That’s why we lost the last election and that’s why we are going to lose the next one.

Unfortunately, of everything we have heard today, I think you would all agree that Sen. Miller’s comments make the most sense. This meeting is adjourned.