May 16, 2004: At Last! Enjoy Some Good News For a Change

I don’t know about you, but I am tired of hearing bad news. I am weary of all the blathering on radio talk shows, smug comments by know-it-all television commentators and photographs of innocent Americans being beheaded by cowardly lowlifes in Iraq. Thus, this week I will focus only on good news in the hopes that we can get things back into perspective. Won’t you join me?

166,000 AMERICAN TROOPS HAVEN’T ABUSED IRAQI PRISONERS. It was announced today that less than one tenth of 1 percent of the brave American men and women being shot at daily in Iraq and Afghanistan have abused Iraqi prisoners. Further analysis revealed this is a markedly lower percentage than the number of U.S. senators who have driven automobiles off the Chappaquiddick Bridge in Massachusetts with young women trapped inside. In Washington, Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) questioned the validity of the report. “From reading the Washington Post, it is my distinct impression that all the military is involved in the abuses, as well as the ROTC and John Wayne,” the senator said, while scarfing down a dozen Big Macs and a pitcher of Thunderbird wine. “By the way, I was never on the Chappaquiddick Bridge. That was my twin brother, Ned.”

JIM HARRICK SR. AND JR. STILL NOT COACHING AT UGA. An investigation reveals that Jim Harrick Sr. and his son, Jim Jr., still are not coaching basketball at the University of Georgia. Insiders say the Harricks were offered the opportunity to return to their old jobs in Athens and avoid costly litigation if they could pass the Principles of Basketball Test administered by young Harrick last year to a select group of scholar-athletes. When asked the question, “How many halves in a basketball game?” Harrick Sr. said he had always been too busy coaching to notice and guessed “17.” Jim Jr. said “Oregon State.” Both men flunked. Both men plan to appeal.

THREE WISE MEN REPORTED MISSING. PUBLIC DOESN’T CARE. Whether they were abducted by aliens or made a wrong turn on their camels and ended up in Ellijay, the Three Wise Men — Jimmy Carter, Ted “Looney Tunes” Turner and Jesse “Rhyme Time” Jackson — have not been heard from recently. There was some thought that the American public would be struck blind without a steady stream of self-serving comments from the Magnificent Magi, but it seems the American public never listened to them, hasn’t missed them and hopes they stay lost.

BOYS AND GIRLS STILL GETTING MARRIED TO EACH OTHER. Despite the best efforts of the New York Times, Rosie O’Donnell and the State of Massachusetts, polls show that most boys still prefer girls and most girls still prefer boys and many end up getting married to each other. “This is a disturbing trend,” says Gaye Blayde, chairperson of Stomp Out Straights. “We plan to seek federal legislation immediately to stop this foolishness.” Asked about prospects for such legislation, Massachusetts Sen. Ted Kennedy, looking a bit bleary-eyed, said, “I was never on the Chappaquiddick Bridge. That was my twin brother, Fred.”

GOV. PERDUE, STATE LEGISLATORS END IMPORTANT SPECIAL SESSION. MUCH ACCOMPLISHED. Gov. Sonny Perdue and the Georgia General Assembly are basking today in the glory of the work accomplished in the recent special legislative session. How the governor and legislators were able to cram a half-day’s work into just one week will be studied by political scientists for years to come. Among their achievements, legislators managed to freeload off the lobbyists for an additional week and delay going home to face the voters. While the session cost taxpayers $170,000, few seemed to mind. “It could have been worse,” said one taxpayer. “They could have accidentally passed some laws.”

LOCAL COLUMNIST RECEIVES AWARD FOR FOCUSING ON GOOD NEWS. Dick Yarbrough, a much beloved and all-too-modest local columnist, recently received a special award in Washington for his heroic efforts to raise the spirits of the American public by focusing only on good news. In making the presentation, Massachusetts Sen. Ted Kennedy said, “Here is some more good news. I was never on the Chappaquiddick Bridge. That was my twin brother, Jed,” and then promptly fell asleep in his double-crusted pizza.