Feb. 9, 2003: A Lesson in Unmitigated Gall

Attention, class. Today we will be discussing gall. Specifically, we will focus on a particular strain known as unmitigated gall. Before we begin, however, let’s review the chapter on the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. I know that comes under the category of ancient history, but since many of you have demonstrated an abysmally short memory, you need a reminder of that chapter before we can grasp the relevance of today’s lesson.

On Sept. 11, 2001, a group of Arab terrorists highjacked four airplanes and managed to crash two of them into the World Trade Center and one into the Pentagon, resulting in the death of thousands of innocent people. This evil deed was done without provocation. Most objective observers agree that there will be more terrorist attacks by Islamic extremists in the future. In addition, we have good reason to believe that Saddam Hussein, the madman running Iraq, has chemical, biological and nuclear weapons that he will use on us willingly whenever it suits his purposes. To sum up, our survival is at stake.

Now, let us turn to the chapter on gall. The picture you see is France, the epicenter of gall. When invaded by Germany at the beginning of World War II, the government of France folded like a cheap card table. In fact, the Vichy government became a notorious Nazi collaborator. Now the French have the unmitigated gall to lecture us on how we should deal with those who would do us harm. Write this down, class: We don’t care what the French think. The French don’t like us. We have been imminently more successful as a nation than they ever dreamed of being. They are jealous of us and have no interest in our well-being.

On the other side of the page is Saudi Arabia. Almost all of the terrorists who participated in the Sept. 11 attacks were Saudi citizens. What was Saudi Arabia’s reaction to our day of horror? They held a telethon for the families of the highjackers, and then their king came to the United States and lectured our president. That is pure unmitigated gall.

Please turn the page and you will see Jimmy Carter, who operated one of the most ineffective presidencies of the 20th century and who was voted out of office after one term. Suddenly, he is the world’s foreign policy expert. He has the unmitigated gall to continually carp at George W. Bush but never mentions his abysmal failure in dealing with the Iranian hostage crisis. His public grandstanding must give great pleasure to our enemies and to doofus countries like France. Yes, boys and girls, I know Carter won the Nobel Peace Prize, but Gunnar Berge, chairman of the selection committee, said that awarding the prize to Carter was a “kick in the leg” at the Bush administration. I interpret his remarks to mean the Nobel was less of a recognition for anything Carter has done and more of a “gotcha” at President Bush.

Let’s look quickly at the section marked “entertainers.” There you will find talent-challenged Alex Baldwin, has-been singer Barbra Streisand, make-believe president Martin Sheen and a gaggle of their self-important friends. These people get paid obscene amounts of money to read what somebody else writes while pretending to be someone they aren’t and couldn’t be in real life if they tried. They are ultra-liberal, patronizing and irrelevant. They have the unmitigated gall to think that we care one whit about them or their opinions.

Oops! The bell has rung. I didn’t have time to discuss the unmitigated gall of the UGA journalism professor who insist that our government must share its anti-terrorism plans with the news media (like we want them to know) or the do-gooders who claim they are going to become human shields in Iraq as though that will make our country a safer place to live.

Thank you for your attention, class. I hope you now have a better understanding of unmitigated gall and of those who spread it around in these dangerous times. I suggest you ignore them one and all. Class dismissed and adieu!