Feb. 29, 2004: You Heard It Here First: Ralph Nader is Ready to Rumble

It is a great honor for me that our newest presidential candidate, Ralph Nader, has graciously agreed to sit for an exclusive interview.

DY: Mr. Nader, thank you for your time. I know that you have a lot of catching up to do if you are to overtake President Bush and his Democratic challenger, who looks to be John Kerry.

RN: Before I answer your questions, are you or this paper a member of the military/industrial complex?

DY: Sir, I can’t speak for the paper. I was once a member of Kiwanis but could never get to the meetings and had to drop out.

RN: Kiwanis and Rotary and the PTA are controlled by Halliburton Corporation, and all three organizations have refused to shut down their nuclear plants.

DY: Fascinating, Mr. Nader, but would it be okay if I asked you a few questions so that my readers can get a clear understanding of who you are and what you believe?

RN: Fire away, capitalist pig.

DY: Why are you running for president?

RN: Two reasons. First, I see no discernible difference between the Democrats and the Republicans. Second, I don’t have anything else to do. Ever since I got all the Corvairs off the road, I have been bored out of my skull.

DY: Do you seriously think you can win?

RN: Of course, I do. The Green Party is solidly in my corner. That’s 40 votes right there. I am told that Ross Perot is ready to release his supporters – at least the ones who are coherent — and I am pretty sure Susan Sarandon and that Dixie Chick who stands in the middle — the fat, ugly one — are going to back me to the hilt. That should be more than enough to put me over the top.

DY: How do you answer the charge that the only thing your candidacy will do is siphon off votes from the Democrats and help re-elect George W. Bush?

RN: More rantings from James Carville and the military/industrial/special interest/anti-environment/pro-nuclear/cholesterol-sucking crowd. Frankly, they are scared to death that I will beat that little weasel, Howard Dean.

DY: Mr. Nader, maybe you haven’t heard, but Howard Dean is no longer in the race.

RN: He isn’t?

DY: No, sir. He went a little bonkers on national television and had to be restrained. Last I heard, he was back in Vermont, sitting on a snowplow and breathing in a paper bag.

RN: I always knew he was loony as a coot. And if anybody is an expert on loony coots, it is yours truly. Speaking of loony, have you heard from Cynthia McKinney lately?

DY: She is at Cornell, teaching a course on the evils of anti-Semitism and coaching the football team. Why do you ask?

RN: When I win, I am going to appoint her Secretary of the Treasury. Some Arab guy promised her $10 million, and George W. Bush, who is a tool of the military/industrial complex, made her give it back. Think of all the windmills $10 million dollars would buy.

DY: Speaking of finances, Mr. Nader, some people say you earn hundreds of thousands of dollars per year in speaking fees, have made it rich in the stock market, that you refuse to make your tax returns public and, in spite of your carefully crafted image, are a multimillionaire.

RN: Who, me? Gosh, I’m just an ordinary citizen trying to represent other ordinary citizens who make hundreds of thousands of dollars giving self-righteous speeches and who have invested well in the stock market. All I have to my name is a huge ego and a distorted sense of my own importance.

DY: Mr. Nader, excuse me for saying this, but I think you are a crock and I hope you get a carbuncle on your fanny.

RN: Just what I would expect to hear from a member of the military/industrial/nuclear industry lobby. Is this interview over?

DY: Yes, sir, it is.

RN: Fine. I hope somebody showed you my rate card. Interviews are $150,000. Have a nice day, capitalist pig.