Aug. 23, 2004: An Endorsement From Gov. Sonny Perdue? Thanks, But No Thanks.

Thank you for being here today. I am Gov. Sonny Perdue, and I have an important announcement to make that I believe will dramatically change the political landscape of our state for years to come. I am pledging the awesome power of the governor’s office, as well as my own personal prestige, to see that Republicans are elected throughout all 46 counties in the great state of Georgia. Excuse me a moment. My aide wants to tell me something. (Whisper. Whisper.) Oh, yeah. Right. Make that throughout all 159 counties in the great state of Georgia.

I’m not talking about just any Republicans, but those who share my political philosophy and who recognize the importance of having a powerful ally in the governor’s office. That is why today I am endorsing the re-election of Wayne Hill as chairman of the Gwinnett County Commission and will do everything in my power to see that Chairman Hill wins re-election. Let me make it very clear to those who oppose me in this matter, I intend to see Wayne Hill re-elected and anyone who stands in my way will feel my wrath. Excuse me again. What? (Whisper. Whisper.) He did? When? I’ll be darned. Who beat him? Good grief! I didn’t know that.

I have another important announcement to make. I have just decided not to spend any time in Gwinnett County, which will allow me to devote my expertise to the congressional races in Georgia. Frankly, these races are much more important to our state’s future than some dull old county commission race, and will require all my attention. One of the most critical races will be the Republican primary in Georgia’s 8th District. Therefore, I am announcing that I have endorsed my good friend Dylan Glenn. I want the voters of Georgia to know that Dylan is clearly the best man for the job, and with my endorsement he is a shoo-in to win both the primary and the general election. What? (Whisper. Whisper.) He did? No kidding! Who beat him? Hey, this one isn’t my fault. Newt Gingrich endorsed him, too.

You know, the more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes that it doesn’t matter who passes the laws. The issue is how that law is interpreted by the judiciary. I have been extremely disappointed in the performance of Justice Leah Sears on the bench of the Supreme Court of Georgia. Justice Sears is out of touch with the people of Georgia. I’ll bet if I had a boyfriend, like the governor of New Jersey does, she would probably think that was okay. That is why I am endorsing the candidacy of prominent attorney Grant Brantley for the State Supreme Court. Brantley’s election is very important for our state. For one thing, it will get one more lawyer off the streets, and second, we can send Leah Sears to Vermont where she can hang out with all the liberal pinkos there. What? (Whisper. Whisper.) You don’t say! How bad did she beat him? Whoa! That’s a lot.

How about Johnny Isakson? He’s running for the U.S. Senate as a Republican. Who is running against him? (Whisper. Whisper.) Denise Majette? That’s the lady who says God told her to run? Ha, ha! That’s a good one. With all due respect, God has more things to worry about than one measly Senate race in Georgia. Fortunately, I can and will devote all my energy to the Isakson campaign. Go call Johnny and tell him the good news that I will shortly announce I am endorsing his candidacy for the Senate. (Whisper. Whisper.) You already have? I’ll bet he was tickled to death to hear the news. (Whisper. Whisper.) What? That doesn’t make any sense. Why does Johnny Isakson want me to endorse Denise Majette? Doesn’t he understand the impact an endorsement from Sonny Perdue has on voters? (Whisper. Whisper.) You say that he does and that is why he wants me to endorse Majette? Rats. Forget it. I think I’ll just go fly around in the state helicopter and bug the attorney general. Politics sure are weird.