Oct. 8, 2001: Much to the relief of the United States government…

I have decided not to join forces with CNN and the Washington Post telling President Bush how to run his war. He seems to be doing fine without my help, and I suspect he could make it without the nudniks at CNN and the Washington Post, although you would never get them to believe that.

So what if CNN’s Christiane Whatshername is on a first-name basis with the Afghanistan minister of tourism and cave development? Big deal. I know some stuff she doesn’t know, thanks to my network of well-placed government insiders, ex-dot.com zillionaires as well as a witch doctor or two. Just remember that you read it here first.

I can report that the American Truckers Association is the latest organization to be caught up in the patriotic fervor sweeping the country. In a new initiative to be announced shortly, all truck drivers will be encouraged to drive no faster than the speed of sound and will set aside each Wednesday as a day to tailgate widows and orphans from a distance of twelve inches, instead of the current six. “This is our contribution to making our freeways a fun place for families to be in these difficult days,” said Lettum Flye, the ATA’s executive vice president for reckless driving.

In Atlanta, Mayor Bill Campbell is thought to be close to a decision on who will get the contract to move a bunch of dirt around the Atlanta Airport’s new runway and make a lot of money doing it. In the past, the mayor has been stung by accusations of only doing business with his friends. Speculation is that to ward off criticism in his waning days in office, Campbell will give the airport contract to a white guy named Bobby Joe from Nahunta. In return, Bobby Joe has agreed to let Mayor Bill play washboard in his country band on weekends. However, my confidential sources tell me not to count on this happening since the mayor doesn’t play the washboard and doesn’t know any white guys named Bobby Joe.

A serious disagreement is said to have developed between Georgia Governor Roy Barnes and Mohammed Zahir Shah, the ex-king of Afghanistan, who would like to reclaim his throne. My informants say that Barnes is insistent that the world is only big enough for one king and he was there first.

After a stunning loss to the University of Georgia, the Tennessee Volunteers are said to be close to replacing head football coach Phil Fulmer with a former member of the Seven Dwarfs, Dopey. Sources tell me that no one will know the difference.

Although the stock market remains in a funk, I have learned that Winnebago Corporation, a leading manufacturer of mobile homes, is prospering. The company has received an order for several hundred units from the Georgia Republican Party, which will use them to help state GOP legislators try and find their new districts, most of which are out of state.

I am told that the CIA’s confidential files on Osama bin Laden are very revealing. Analysis indicates that he had a very unhappy childhood. When he was born, he was so ugly the doctor slapped his mother. His mama had to tie a piece of meat around his neck just to get the dog to lick him. His folks tried to play hide and seek with him but no matter how far away they moved, he always found them. Now, this fruitcake lives in a cave. It makes you wonder if civilization has progressed a whit since our Neanderthal days.

As the nation clamps down on illegal immigration into the country following the terrorist attacks, look for the state of Georgia to apply tighter restrictions on entry as well. Because of lax enforcement of border crossings in the past decade, a lot of people who consider ice hockey a sport slipped into the state. Like the West Nile virus, ice hockey is difficult to eradicate once it gets established. Hopefully, by stemming the flow of outsiders into the South, ice hockey can be shipped back to Canada where it can bore all the people there all the time.

Finally, my highly placed sources tell me that the nation is still feeling good about itself and is ready to administer a serious butt-kicking to the bad guys. Tell Christiane Whatshername that you read it here first.