Nov. 5, 2001: Some random thoughts on some random subjects…

While I reserve the right to occasionally add my two cents worth on the terrorists and those who tacitly support them, I believe it is clearly in the national interest that I move on to a discussion of other weighty issues that confront our society today — like why repair people never come when they say they are going to and never apologize when they finally do appear.

On a theological matter: God clearly has a sense of humor; otherwise He wouldn’t have created religious denominations. Take the Southern Baptists, for example. They continue to ascribe to the notion that “the office of pastor is limited to men.” They say the Bible clearly forbids women to be preachers. I guess Baptists figure women are prone to preach too much as it is, so why give them a pulpit. Well-placed sources inside the Southern Baptist Convention tell me that at next year’s meeting, the organization will consider a proposal that women walk three paces behind their men and never make eye contact. Right now, they are just looking for a Bible verse to back them up. But you can always count on the Methodist to over-compensate for the Baptists. I recently listened to a guest minister in my church pray to “Father God, Mother God.” I’m not sure that even God thought that was funny.

I am pleased to report that no amount of terrorism can deter our exceptional abilities to take bad taste to soaring new heights. For example, the City of Lavonia in northeast Georgia isn’t content to be known only as the home of former Governor Ernest Vandiver, a great statesman. Now, the city can boast of its very own 24-hour nude restaurant. Kind of like putting lipstick on a boar hog.

As I wind up a long and satisfying association with my beloved University of Georgia that stretches over the past two decades, my daughter, Maribeth, begins her first term as a member of UGA’s national alumni association board this week. Warning to all concerned: She may look like her momma, but she acts like her daddy.

I clearly hit a nerve a couple of weeks ago with my assertion that the public doesn’t trust the national media enough to want our government sharing a lot of information with them during the current war on terrorism. While some professionals huffed and puffed at me and showed they can dish it out but can’t take it, my mail indicates that the vast majority of you agree and you are, after all, the final arbiters of the media’s role in this unique war. I heard from a number of Vietnam veterans who reported some outrageous behavior from the media while on duty there. I am more convinced than ever that the media need to get their self-righteous heads out of the sand and do some serious soul-searching.

When I was in high school, our band used to wear dorky uniforms and play songs like “On Wisconsin” and “Buckle Down, Winsocki.” Our cheerleaders waved their arms a lot and yelled, “Give me an ‘R.’ Give me a ‘U.’” Now, according to Associated Press, Beach High School in Savannah has dancers who perform at football games to the music of James Brown in outfits that “resemble a squad of Tina Turner clones.” Evidently, the young folks are a tad indelicate with their wardrobe and their routines. The Chatham County school board is upset about this less than traditional way of inspiring the local heroes and some parents are upset that the board is upset. They say it is no big deal. Even a cheerleading expert from Dallas, Texas, is quoted as saying, “Shaking your rear end is really common in cheerleading.” So there!

I may have the perfect solution to this complex issue. Why don’t the Tina Turner clones from Beach High School just move to Lavonia, home of the 24-hour nude restaurant and shake their booty there? They probably won’t even rate a second glance from the locals.

I know I am going to sound like a self-righteous member of the media to you but I must sign off now. George Bush is on the other line. Says he and Colin Powell want to share their latest battle plans and get my approval before my next column deadline.

I thought they would never ask.