Mar. 6, 2006: Trying To Understand My Liberal Friends

Okay, I am going to give most of you the day off. The rest of you need to pay close attention. You have some work to do.

A lot of you I know like a book. That comes from almost a decade of responding to your letters and emails on a variety of subjects. You’ve told me in no uncertain terms that you don’t like watching cowboys kiss each other. In fact, watching the media gush over boys marrying boys and girls marrying girls makes you want to upchuck your biscuits and gravy. You don’t have much tolerance for those who trash your country, whether they live in Habalah or Hollywood. You believe in God, and you get tired of groups like the ACLU spending every waking hour trying to get rid of him. (What the folks at the ACLU don’t know is that God is getting a little tired of them, too, as they will find out in the next life.)

As the esteemed members of the Georgia Legislature learned the hard way, you don’t like seeing government bullying people and taking their land for condos and parking garages. Reading about politicians taking large donations from companies that want favorable legislation and then saying that the money doesn’t influence their thinking just about gives you the hives. If they keep it up, you are liable to toss them out of office.

You don’t care much for Jimmy Carter, either. I got about as much mail after my column on the man’s petulant performance at Coretta Scott King’s funeral/political rally as I have gotten in a long time. The overwhelming majority of you were less kind to him than I was. You were so angry that I almost thought about taking up for him — but not for long.

But there is a group of you out there whom I need to know better. I just don’t understand liberal weenies. I will admit it. You always sound fussy but, of course, that could be because I make you fussy. Maybe if I got to know you better, we could get along better. That’s why I need to ask you a few questions. (Here is where the rest of you can get back to doing whatever you were doing.)

Why are you willing to have a loon like Howard (Yah-Yah) Dean as your leader? The man is so out of touch with the average American that he couldn’t find the mainstream with a flashlight. Why do you go mute over your poster boy, Ted Kennedy, whenever I mention his past behavior? And are you aware that you couldn’t get a single one of your current candidates for president elected dogcatcher, let alone head of the free world any place south of Richmond or east of Arizona?

Do you really think that if we just make nice to Muslim nutcases and let that incompetent crowd at the United Nations take over, everybody in the Middle East would suddenly love us like a cold beer on a hot August afternoon in south Georgia? As I recall, the attacks of 9/11 were unprovoked. Do you think getting rid of George W. Bush would turn that scary Iranian guy rattling his nuclear sabers into a kindly Captain Kangaroo? Have you forgotten that he is believed to be one of the ringleaders in the Iranian hostage takeover that occurred on President You-Know-Who’s watch?

Does it bother you that people sneak into our country illegally and make us take care of them and then make us learn to speak their language? Is there any reason they couldn’t learn to speak ours?

Finally, do you consider Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, the second most powerful person in our government and a black woman from Birmingham, Alabama, a “token,” but has-beens like Joseph Lowery, Julian Bond and Jesse Jackson to be “mainstream”? Are you serious or seriously out of touch with reality?

I have a lot more questions to ask you, but that should get us started in our efforts to know each other better. I eagerly await your response. I just hope I don’t upchuck my biscuits and gravy.