Mar. 21, 2005: Congress Examines Potential Steroid Use by Much-Beloved Columnists

Rap! Rap! Rap! This session of the Congressional Oversight Committee on Burning Issues and Other Stuff is now in session. I want to remind my colleagues that our hearings are being televised. Therefore, it is critical that we posture a lot and wave our hands and not fall asleep so voters back home will think we are right on top of things. That way, nobody will bother us and we can get back to sponging dinners and campaign funds off lobbyists.

Today, we are looking into the disturbing issue of potential steroid use among newspaper columnists. Our first witness is Mr. Dick Yarbrough, a modest and much-beloved columnist from Georgia. As chairman, I will ask the first question. Mr. Yarbrough, we all know that steroids make people do some strange things. I noticed that as you entered the committee hearing room today, you ate a camera, two microphones and a doorknob. Are you on steroids?

Mr. Chairman, I don’t want to talk about the past. I want to make this a better world for all mankind and to be a role model for young journalists in hopes they can emulate my remarkable career as a modest and much-beloved columnist. I will say only that I didn’t have my Froot Loops this morning. That tends to make me a little cranky.

Senator Bilgebag?

Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Mr. Yarbrough, have you ever used steroids?

Senator, I don’t want to talk about the past. I want to make this a better world for self-important yuppie-boomers, who stand around yakking on their cell phones in hopes that we will be impressed. As to your question, there have been scurrilous rumors that I may have eaten broccoli willingly. One could reasonably assume that I was whacked out on something big-time.

Congressperson Jones-Smith, do you have a question for our witness?

Thank you, Mr. Chairperson and let me first say how much I appreciate the chairperson holding these critical hearings. He/she is a dedicated public servant and a credit to all Euro-Americans. Mr. Yarbrough, columnists from the New York Times and the Washington Post who have appeared before this committee use such politically correct terms as “indigenous people” and “undocumented workers,” instead of terms like “Eskimos” and “illegal aliens.” I don’t believe I have ever seen such terms in your columns. Why are you so politically incorrect? Is it because of steroids?

Congresswomanperson, I don’t want to talk about the past. I want to make this a better world for everybody, except France and the Dixie Chicks. Besides, I have been instructed by my attorney, who is a gay Cherokee Indian, to tell you to buzz off.

Congressman Blather, you have the next question.

Mr. Yarbrough, I have in my hand a newspaper article that says you were seen hanging out with a bunch of baseball players and that someone slipped you some cream to rub on your skin. We have every reason to believe that cream was a steroid. Sir, do you confirm or deny that story?

Mr. Blather, I don’t want to talk about the past. I want to make this a better world for humor-challenged liberal weenies and turn their frowns upside down. The cream was for the arthritis in my fingers, which makes it tough for me to type my column each week.

What happened when you used the cream?

I still have the arthritis, but now I can type 36,000 words a minute.

Mr. Yarbrough, we are going to adjourn this important hearing now that everybody back home has seen us on television. As you can tell, Congress and the American people are very concerned about the possibility of rampant steroid use among newspaper columnists. Given your unsatisfactory responses today and the lack of an adequate testing program, you have given us little choice but to do what we do best — pass a bunch of meaningless laws that nobody, including us, will understand.

Mr. Chairman, I don’t want to talk about the past. I am here to make members of Congress look relevant. Otherwise, you might have to go home and get real jobs.