Jun. 20, 2005: The Bear Facts About How I Spent My Vacation

For the first time in all the years that I have been dazzling you with my fancy words and intricate phrasing, I took a week of much-needed vacation. Knowing that you would be interested in what I did during my time off, I have brought along some slides. Would somebody dim the lights?

CLICK: This is me on my first day of vacation. I am at the breakfast table with my morning paper, eating my curds and whey. I am reading a sanctimonious comment from President Peanut, criticizing the United States for “using terrorism as an excuse to restrict freedom and silence human rights activists.”

CLICK: Here I am throwing up my curds and whey. I always throw up my curds and whey when I read one of President Peanut’s sanctimonious comments.

CLICK: This slide shows me in my automobile heading for Big Canoe, in the beautiful mountains of North Georgia.

CLICK: Here I have arrived at Big Canoe. Can you see the bear in the background?

CLICK: This is me shooing the bear away.

CLICK: This is the bear running towards me. I don’t think bears like to be shooed.

CLICK: Here I am sitting in a tree.

CLICK: Here is the bear sitting under the tree eating my automobile, hubcaps and all.

CLICK: In this picture, I am at the golf course with my son, Ken, and grandson, Thomas, who is just learning to play. I love this game and I hope Thomas can become a good golfer. He will need to be if he is going to play golf with me.

CLICK: This is a shot of Ken hitting the ball on the green.

CLICK: This is a shot of Thomas hitting the ball on the green.

CLICK: This is a shot of me hitting the ball in the bunker.

CLICK: This is a shot of me trying to get out of the bunker.

CLICK: This is another shot of me trying to get out of the bunker.

CLICK: This is a shot of me picking up the stupid ball from the bunker and dropping it in the hole. If you look closely, you can see Ken and Thomas and the bear from Big Canoe laughing their heads off. I hate this game.

CLICK: Here I am at home, giving the Woman Who Shares My Name a lecture on how to manage the household more efficiently. She is lucky to be married to someone who has managed at the highest levels of Corporate America, and who is an acknowledged expert on operational efficiency.

CLICK: Here I am in the emergency room having broccoli surgically removed from my nose and ears and other places. Obviously, the Woman Who Shares My Name doesn’t appreciate people who are acknowledged experts on operational efficiency.

CLICK: That is me telling the editor that I am cutting my vacation short because I am sure my loyal readers have kept the phones ringing off the hook at the newspaper, wondering where I am and when I am coming back.

CLICK: This is the editor telling me that nobody has missed me — including the editor.

CLICK: This is me and the bear from Big Canoe, having breakfast and reading the paper before we both go back to work. I am eating my curds and whey and checking the obituaries to be sure my name isn’t there. I am complaining to the bear about why I ever decided to take a stupid vacation in the first place. The bear isn’t listening. He is reading a story in which President Peanut says the 1979 Iranian hostage crisis wasn’t his fault. He blames it on George W. Bush and hanging chads. The bear looks ill. I think he is going to throw up my automobile, hubcaps and all.

I hope you have enjoyed the slide show. If so, you will be pleased to know that next week I plan to show home movies of my trip to the dentist.