Jul. 26, 2004: What Time Is It? It’s Time For Answer Man

Okay, boys and girls, it is time once again for Answer Man, that much-requested feature in which yours truly answers questions from his adoring fans. Let’s go right to the mailbox.

Dear Answer Man: How did a pea-headed birdbrain like you ever get to write a column? You have the intellectual capacity of a screwdriver. — Several Hundred (at least) Readers

Dear Several Hundred (at least) Readers: I refuse to answer on the grounds it might incriminate me. Besides, if I wasn’t doing this, I might have to get a real job.

Dear Answer Man: I am chairman of a major political party in Georgia. I can’t tell you which one, because I wish to remain anonymous. However, it isn’t the Republican Party. I am curious as to how you think Democrats did in the recent primaries. — Bobby from Buckhead

Dear Bobby from Buckhead: Sensational. Our Ambassador to Outer Space Cynthia McKinney returned to earth long enough to claim the party’s nomination for her old seat in the U.S. House of Representatives. Charles Walker of Augusta seems poised to return to the Georgia Legislature, along with his 142 felony indictments from a federal grand jury. Your candidates in the runoff for the U.S. Senate nomination are a woman who says God told her to run and a man with two failed marriages and allegations of spousal abuse. You should be very proud.

Dear Answer Man: You always refer to the University of Georgia as being the oldest state-chartered university in the nation. I say it is the University of North Carolina. Can you clear up this question? — Michael J from Chicago

Dear Michael J: Glad to. The University of Georgia was chartered in 1785. The University of North Carolina was not chartered until 1789. That makes UGA first. However, UNC began accepting students in 1795. UGA did not open until 1801. That’s because it took that long to find a place to park in Athens.

Dear Answer Man: You keep referring to those of us on the political left as “loonies” and saying that we don’t have a sense of humor. Well, you can take your #*!*%# opinions and *&#^%#! them. Leftist loonies certainly do have a *&#^%#!* sense of humor and don’t you *%#&!# forget it! — Anarchy Al

Dear Al: Sorry, that’s not a question.

Dear Answer Man: I am the Republican governor of the largest state east of the Mississippi. I like to fly a lot in state-owned airplanes and helicopters, but the attorney general, who is a Democrat, won’t let me. What can I do? — Sonny from Bonaire

Dear Sonny: Let him be governor and you be the attorney general. Then you can fly anytime you want. Do I have to think of everything?

Dear Answer Man: I have written you a number of anonymous letters. I can’t tell you my name because they might take away my crayons. I am curious to know, do you read my letters? — R.J.

Dear R.J.: First, the bad news and then the good news. I don’t read any anonymous mail, including yours. If people don’t have the gumption to sign their name, I’m not interested in their opinions. That’s the bad news. The good news is the trash collectors have read your stuff and plan to invite you to join their poetry club. Congratulations.

Dear Answer Man: We seem to recall that a couple of years ago you said Roy Barnes was a shoo-in to be re-elected governor of Georgia. Given your inestimable political skill, do you have any predictions about the upcoming presidential elections? — George W. from Washington and John K. from Boston

Dear George W. and John K.: I predict the American public is going to be sick of both candidates by November and will elect a write-in candidate as president instead. That candidate will be former UGA Athletic Director Vince Dooley. Dooley will accept because he doesn’t have anything else to do. Dooley will then appoint his wife, Barbara, to deal with the terrorists. Not even idiot terrorists would mess with Barbara Dooley, and there will finally be peace on earth. Write it down. Answer Man is never wrong.