Jul. 25, 2005: An Analysis of Today’s Issues With the Help of My New Computer


What you are reading today is courtesy of a new wireless laptop computer equipped with everything but a flush toilet. It has more rams than a Scottish sheepherder, and so many bells and whistles that the computer salesman nearly slobbered himself to death describing them.

The salesman claimed that this computer is so advanced, it has the ability think for itself. (Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe my computer colleague, Big Blue, beat like a drum some hotshot Russian chess player back in 1997.) I laughed out loud. (Laugh at this: Your fly is open.) No computer is capable of being that smart. (At least I don’t alienate half the world like you do.)

But back to the subject at hand. Today, I want to comment on some of the major issues currently facing us. (Oh, great. Most of my buddies went home with accountants, lawyers and college professors, and I am stuck with a guy who thinks he is Will Rogers.)

InsiderAdvantage.com, the influential national political polling firm, says that retired UGA athletic director and Hall of Fame football coach Vince Dooley might be contemplating a challenge to Gov. Sonny Perdue in the Republican primary next year. I find that interesting. (I find that quixotic, to say the least. Dooley is a good man who deserved better treatment than he received from UGA president Michael Adams and a few ingrates on the Board of Regents, but he is trying to buck the political establishment in Georgia and he won’t be successful. Tell him not to run. He doesn’t need the hassle. Tell him to enjoy his family and friends. He has lots of both.)

Ralph Reed, former head of the state Republican Party, is raising a lot of money to run for the politically impotent position of lieutenant governor. I’m not sure why he wants that job. (Are you kidding? He doesn’t give a flip about being lieutenant governor. He wants to be governor, then senator and then the president of the United States. This is just the first step in that process. Kind of like going through the chairs to become Head Antler of the Moose Club. He’ll probably win because the religious right will conveniently overlook his association with gambling interests and the Atlanta Journal-Constitution will go overboard in opposing Reed and will make him a martyr of liberal press coverage. This is the best of both worlds for Ralph Reed. He can’t lose.)

Meanwhile, political columnist Bill Shipp says some state Democrats are urging former U.S. Senator Max Cleland to run for lieutenant governor. (I’m not surprised. It’s a do-nothing job and Cleland showed us during his one term in Washington that he could do nothing as well as anybody.)

Strategists running the Democratic gubernatorial campaign of current Lt. Gov. Mark Taylor, aka “The Big Guy,” are branding his chief rival, Secretary of State Cathy Cox, as a “liberal.” Yet, Taylor is a strong pro-abortion advocate and word is that our Ambassador to Outer Space Cynthia McKinney is quietly backing Taylor’s candidacy. This all seems a little strange to me. (In the first place, “quiet” and “McKinney” don’t belong in the same sentence. Second, Taylor calling someone “liberal” is like a frog claiming to be an expert on ugly.)

The column on my grandsons facing the prospects of going to war got some heated response from the antiwar crowd. (Yeah, I saw the letters when you fed them into my system. Some of them were pretty interesting, to say the least. One anti-Bush advocate claimed that “anybody can be president.” Can’t argue with that logic. After all, President Peanut made it.)

That completes my in-depth analysis of the burning issues for this week. By the way, this new computer really is as good as the salesman claimed, but I am still chuckling over the fact that some people believe a computer can think for itself. If computers are so darn smart, I’d like to see them try and write a newspaper column. (If I did, at least I would know where all the commas go. By the way, genius, your fly is still open.)