Feb. 15, 2004: How to Teach Creation in Georgia’s Schools

In the beginning, God created earth. He stepped back and looked at what he had done and said, “I think I can do better than this,” so he created heaven. When he finished, God said, “That’s more like it. I am going to call it ‘Georgia,’ and just to make sure nobody forgets where heaven is, I am going to create Ray Charles so he can sing ‘Georgia on My Mind’ and remind them.”

Then God said, “Wait just a millennium. If I have made heaven, there has to be a hell. So, I will create Atlanta. It will be full of traffic jams and panhandlers and dirty air, and the toilets won’t flush because the sewers will be older than I am.”

On the second day, God said, “I have created heaven and hell but there is nobody around to enjoy it, so I think I will create some living creatures.” Then God made horses and cows. “Pretty boring,” God said, so he made dogs that wag their tails and chase squirrels and generally have a good ol’ time, and he made cats that don’t do anything but sulk and lick their faces. God later decided that he didn’t like cats and wasn’t sure why he ever made them in the first place.

On the third day, God created the birds of the air, including, for some unexplained reason, pigeons. Then he created fish, most of which died when Atlanta polluted all the rivers and streams. So God made the Tallulah River in North Georgia and put a lot of rainbow trout in it. Atlanta hasn’t been able to pollute the Tallulah River — yet.

On the fourth day, God decided to create vegetables and fruits and nuts. God said, “I am going to make the sweet Vidalia onion and I will put it in Toombs County. It will have a thin skin like Bobby Kahn — whenever I get around to creating him and appointing him chairman of the State Democratic Party.” Then God made pecan trees and put them in Middle Georgia and said, “This ought to take care of Georgia’s nut supply until I can make Ted Turner.” Finally, God put apple trees in Habersham County and said, “No fruit jokes,” lest the ACLU get on his case.

On the fifth day, God said, “Today I am going to make man. I will put the loud-talking know-it-alls in New York. The weirdoes will be assigned to Vermont and Massachusetts. California will get the leftovers. For those who don’t want to work but four days a month, I will create France. Everybody else will live in China.”

On the sixth day, God looked around and said, “Man is lonely. All he does is play golf and watch football on TV.” While man was sleeping on the sofa, God took his rib and made woman. This was quite painful to man, but not nearly as painful as it was going to be. Never again would man be able to watch television without being interrupted about how the bathroom faucet has been leaking for two weeks and when is it going to get fixed and get your feet off the coffee table.

Because God made women smarter than men, the men got scared and joined the Baptist Church. The Baptists immediately passed a rule saying, “While both men and women are gifted for service in the church, the office of pastor is limited to men as qualified by Scripture.” God doesn’t have a clue where the Baptists got that cockamamie idea, but he doesn’t want to argue with them because they might get mad and go start their own universe, so he let the Methodists have all the good women preachers. It turns out that Methodist women can out-preach the Baptist boys with one hand tied behind their back. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

On the seventh day, God rested. He was pleased with what he had done. He turned on his tape of Ray Charles singing “Georgia on my Mind,” smiled and said, “Life is good!” Thus, was the world created.