Dec. 7, 2003: You Got Questions? Answer Man Has The Answers

Okay, boys and girls, it is time once again for Answer Man to dip into the Question Box and see what is on everybody’s mind. Answer Man doesn’t have a lot of time for this because he has to write a suck-up letter to Santa Claus. Answer Man hasn’t been a particularly good little boy this year.

Here’s our first question.

Dear Answer Man: Will University of Georgia President Michael Adams survive his decision not to extend Athletic Director Vince Dooley’s contract? An Anonymous College President of a Major University in Northeast Georgia.

Answer Man: Dear Anonymous College President, I’m afraid not. The Bulldog Nation is seriously divided, and nobody in the state seems willing or able to bring UGA supporters together. The State Board of Regents certainly didn’t help with their finger-wagging, horse-feathers announcement that the “matter is closed.” The controversy occurred on Adams’ shift as president, and he alone is responsible for his decisions and the way he manages those decisions. As my hero Harry Truman used to say, “The buck stops here.” It may be six months or a year, but Adams will be gone. By the way, Anonymous, if you happen to run into Dr. Adams, tell him if he had listened to somebody other than his palace guard, he might not be in this mess.

Dear Answer Man: Why does Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean always look like he is mad at the world? Terrell in TyTy.

Answer Man: Terrell, it is a combination of factors. Dean is a little teeny person and little teeny people are always mad that they aren’t tall people. Also, he is from Vermont. People from Vermont feel like they don’t get respect from the rest of the nation because they are so goofy and we laugh at them a lot. The fact that our Vidalia onions taste better than their maple syrup hasn’t helped matters.

Dear Answer Man: I am busy hiding from nutcase flaggers and missed the score of the Georgia-Georgia Tech football game in November. Can you help me out? Sonny in Bonaire.

Answer Man: Sonny, thanks for asking. The University of Georgia defeated Georgia Tech 34-17 and hold the state championship for the third year in a row. In all fairness, I must congratulate Tech on a great season, too. They went 6-6, held powerhouse Duke University to 41 points and have accepted an invitation to play the always-exciting Tulsa Whatevers in the prestigious Humanitarian Bowl in the football hotbed of the world, Boise, Idaho. As if that wasn’t enough, Georgia Tech will be playing on blue artificial grass. God has truly blessed this team.

Dear Answer Man: Why does everybody pick on Atlanta? Is it because we are pouring tons of doo-doo in the Chattahoochee and Flint River basins, floating all that stuff downstate and poisoning everything in its wake? Don’t people understand that we haven’t had time to worry about our broken-down sewers; we’ve been too busy renaming the airport? Do you sense the problem might be racially motivated? The Atlanta City Council.

Answer Man: Dear Atlanta City Council, I don’t think the problem is racial. I believe the problem is that you are a bunch of incompetent morons.

Dear Answer Man: I have lots of opinions, too, but nobody listens to me. What is the secret to your success? Jimmy from Plains.

Answer Man: Jimmy, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because I don’t publicly second-guess the president of the United States all the time, like you do. That, and the fact that I am not the one responsible for double-digit inflation back in the late ‘70s.

We have time for one final question.

Dear Answer Man: Will you stop all this foolishness and come help me decorate the Christmas tree before I stick a broccoli spear up your nose? The Woman Who Shares Your Name.

Answer Man: Yes, dear.