Dec. 26, 2005: Dang Near Perfect Person Has New Year’s Resolution for Others

I will soon be leaving for my annual pilgrimage to the exquisite little Georgia Sea Grill on St. Simons Island, in order to participate in the sacred New Year’s ritual of stuffing my face full of all the corn-fried shrimp that exists on the face of the earth. I know — it’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.

I wanted to share some of my New Year’s resolutions before I left, but when you are dang-near perfect it is hard to think of any. My efforts haven’t been a total waste of time, however, because I have a few resolutions that I believe would be helpful for some other folks. For example, wouldn’t it be great if Jimmy Carter resolved to pull up a chair in front of a bushel basket of boiled peanuts and tell them how smart he is, and how he has a solution for everything from world peace to sour belches? That way, the rest of us wouldn’t have to listen to him.

My friends at Georgia Tech should resolve to start an intercollegiate croquet team. I know for a fact that the University of Georgia, the oldest state-chartered school in the nation, located in Athens, the Classic City of the South, doesn’t have a croquet team, and assuming Georgia Southern and Valdosta State decide not to start one, Tech could be state champion in a sport. That would be nice.

Georgia Speaker of the House Glenn Richardson needs to resolve to quit acting like a horse’s behind. Richardson wants to build a house on accreted land — land built up by sand deposited on the beach over the years by wind and water — on St. Simons Island. The courts have long ruled this isn’t legal. The speaker plans to build there anyway. The locals are very upset. Richardson has told them to go talk to a crab shell. Maybe it will give a damn about their opinions, because he doesn’t. Question: Does being Speaker make people arrogant, or do only arrogant people apply for the job? Second question: Does Jerry Keen, the majority leader in the House have a death wish? According to reports, Keen, who represents St. Simons Island in the Legislature, circumvented regular procedures by arranging a meeting with two Glynn County commissioners to see if they would support an application for a building permit on the accreted land. The commissioners declined to support him. Now, let’s see if the voters will.

An Israeli strike force should resolve to kidnap that idiot in Iran who says there was no Holocaust, drag his sorry butt to the concentration camp at Auschwitz and rub his nose in one of the furnaces where Jewish corpses were burned after being gassed. Question: Are all Iranian leaders nutcases, or do only nutcases apply for the job?

A good New Year’s resolution for Delta employees and retirees would be to buy former chief financial officer Michelle Burns a one-way ticket to Hades — first class, of course. Burns, who took her bonus and pension protection and fled with her fellow robber barons before Delta tanked, is suing to keep her first-class — and free — flying privileges. She ought to be ashamed of herself. Chances are good that she isn’t. Robber barons are shameless.

They probably won’t do it, but Democrats ought to resolve to move toward the middle of the political spectrum before they become totally irrelevant. If they think pandering to the Loony Left and being out-of-step with mainstream America will restore them to power, they are smoking rope — or something stronger. Georgia Democrats have their work cut out for them — battling Republicans and dealing with a national party that doesn’t have a clue what we are about in the South.

I wish I had more time to offer more New Year’s resolutions, but I hear the siren call of the corn-fried shrimp. The little buggers get very impatient. I promise that while I am at St. Simons, I will keep trying to think of some improvements for my own dang-near perfect self. It won’t be easy. Alas, sometimes life can be a beach.