Dec. 20, 2004: Zell’s TV Gig May Take A Little Interpretation

As you may have heard, Zell Miller has signed on as a Fox News Network commentator. After approving the agreement, Fox executives realized that there are still a few people — mostly in Vermont and Southern California — who don’t speak Southern. Suffice it to say that they wouldn’t have the foggiest idea what our former U.S. senator was saying. To solve the problem, Fox has brought in an interpreter.

In case you missed Sen. Miller’s network debut, here is a verbatim transcript of that program:

MILLER: Hi-U. I’m as tickled as a hound dog at a hog butchering to be talking to a bunch of folks who’d just soon spit on a flag-burning scumbag as eat their grits.

INTERPRETER: Good evening. It is nice to be with you.

MILLER: Looks like that crowd of windbags is putting on their fancy pants and headed for the one place in the country so out of touch that nobody there knows the difference between a popinjay and a Pop Tart.

INTERPRETER: In the news this evening, the 109th session of Congress has announced it will convene at 12 noon on Tuesday, January 4, 2005, in Washington, D.C.

MILLER: There ain’t no doubt that all the pointy-heads will do is talk the ears off a mule. They will get about as much done as a squirrel hunter caught in a gully washer.

INTERPRETER: It is unclear at this point whether the congressional agenda has been firmly established for the upcoming session. Both House and Senate leaders are still in discussions about proposed legislation.

MILLER: Of course, the worst ones are those smug liberal know-it-alls that never saw a special interest group they didn’t love more’n their mama, and who like to snuggle up to the Hollywood crowd. Ain’t no wonder they got their behinds booted harder’n a kickball at recess. They avoid the decent, hardworking common folks like a cow avoids a farmer with cold hands. They’d better decide if they want to play marbles or pick up their taws and aggies and go home.

INTERPRETER: The national Democratic Party, having suffered a major defeat in the November elections, will be trying to regroup in 2005. Some critics believe the party has strayed too far left politically and has allowed the Republicans to capture the center of the political spectrum.

MILLER: I’m hoping George Bush doesn’t listen to that bunch of sissy britches wringing their hands about the dirtbag terrorists sitting in a prison better than any house they ever lived in. Let one of those prisoners complain that his oatmeal wasn’t hot at breakfast and you got those do-gooders at the International Red Cross and Amnesty International — who are about as relevant as warts on a frog — raising Cain on the evening news. But these idiots don’t make a peep about our brave fighting men and women risking their lives in Eye-Rack. It makes me want to puke.

INTERPRETER: President Bush must stay the course in Iraq and not be distracted by those who oppose the war and claim mistreatment of prisoners. This is something about which I feel very strongly.

MILLER: Thunder and tarnation. Time has flown faster’n a five-footed rabbit on concrete. I didn’t even get to those uppity French who think they are so much better than we are. Excepting nobody cares what the French think. We all know that if it wasn’t for the good ol’ U.S. of A., they would all be speaking German today, drinking dark beer and making BMWs instead of sipping their high-falutin’ wine and working seven hours a month. Y’all, I gotta go. Take good care of yourselves and don’t pay no attention to all the liberal whiners out there. Remember, if brains were dynamite, they couldn’t blow their nose.

INTERPRETER: That is all the time we have. I look forward to being back with you next week when I will discuss the vital role of France in the Mideast peace process. In the meantime, keep the faith. Good night.