IT IS A NEW YEAR BUT DON’T TELL THE CORN-FRIED SHRIMP
You can
stick a fork in 2009. It is done. I can’t say I am sad to see it go
except that it puts me one year closer to the ultimate conversation with
my Maker, who can’t wait to hear my excuses for a life not lived as well
as He and I would have liked.
Only
three things of note happened this past year. First, we swore in a new
president, Barack Obama. Second, we lost Michael Jackson, which cut the
weirdo quotient in the country by 50 percent. Third, and most important,
the University of Georgia, the oldest state-chartered university in the
nation, located in Athens, the Classic City of the South, won the state
football championship. That’s big. Real big.
I welcome
in 2010 as I have all the other years with a corn-fried shrimp feeding
frenzy at the exquisite little Georgia Sea Grill on St. Simons Island.
Nobody has ever mistaken shrimp for brain surgeons, but you would think
by now they would have figured out that toward the end of December they
would be wise to pack up and head for some place like Akron until I have
come and gone. My arrival cannot be a surprise to them.
In 2010,
we will elect a new governor in Georgia. Following Sonny Perdue as
governor won’t be easy. How can anyone hope to top “Go Fish, Georgia”?
To that end, I am encouraging all the gubernatorial candidates to look
seriously at my innovative program called “Go Eat Kudzu, Goats” in which
we will get a bunch of goats to eat the kudzu off the trees on our
Interstates. That will bring in busloads of loud-talking Yankees who
will pay big bucks to watch the goats eat. This, in turn, will put a
dent in our deficit. We can also sell the touristers jars of potlikker
and tell them it is moonshine which they can take back home and show
their friends who, also being loud-talking Yankees, won’t know the
difference.
The good
thing about my idea is that it can work for both Democrats and
Republicans. It is as ecumenical as it is innovative. Goats don’t much
care who our governor is. They just like to eat kudzu. Loud-talking
Yankees don’t care, either. They’d rather watch goats eat kudzu than
have to stand knee-deep in snow in July back home. (Note to all
gubernatorial candidates: My “Go Eat Kudzu, Goats” program comes
complete with instructional video. Don’t delay. Call today.
1-800-GOATS.)
People
are always stopping me on the street or when I am having my toenails
manicured and asking me who will be the next governor. That is because I
am known to possess one of the keenest political minds in Georgia
politics. I achieved legendary status in February 2001 when I stated in
a column that some political pundits were saying incumbent Gov. Roy
Barnes was going to have a tough reelection campaign. “Forget it,” I
opined, “Roy Barnes will easily win reelection.” That is how reputations
are made. Of course, my faithful readers understood I was just joshing
with them. I am a big kidder. I knew it was going to be Perdue all
along. I really did.
2010
promises to be a landmark year for the Legislature, also. After the
embarrassing revelations of former House Speaker Glenn Richardson,
legislators have vowed to enact strong ethics laws. One proposal will
require lobbyists to have a scarlet letter painted on their foreheads
which they will be allowed to remove only when they are providing
legislators with (a) dinner; (b) drinks; (c) dinner and drinks; (d)
tickets to events that you and I can’t afford; (e) transportation to
events that you and I can’t afford and/or (f) all of the above. One
legislator said, “I am going to let lobbyists know that my integrity is
not for sale. A good time to discuss this will be on the corporate jet
en route to the Masters.”
Now if
you will pardon me, I just saw a corn-fried shrimp trying to tiptoe past
me. He thinks he is going to Akron. I think not. Happy New Year.
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