OBAMA NEEDS A NEW CZAR AND I HAVE THE PERFECT CHOICE

Dear Mr. President:

I don’t know if you see my columns because I can’t get anybody at the White House to return my calls. I do know plenty of politicians in Georgia read me because a lot of them get their drawers in a wad over some of my observations — like suggesting that members of the Legislature take unpaid furloughs instead of forcing them on public school teachers.

I realize you are very busy these days putting together a health care reform program which you have assured us will (a) pay for itself; (b) cut government waste and fraud; (c) give all citizens the inalienable right to visit their podiatrist whenever they have a toe fungus and (d) under no circumstance will create more than a zillion bureaucracies that will make us sorry we ever got sick in the first place.

So, let me get straight to the reason I am writing you, sir. I read that you currently have about 30 or so czars working for you, more than Imperial Russia ever had, let alone shot. As I understand it, czars don’t have to be confirmed by Congress, which is good since the members are usually away on taxpayer-funded junkets to Tahiti.

I was dismayed to hear that Van Jones, your czar in charge of green things, had to resign the other day. Something about him calling Republicans a name I can’t repeat in a family newspaper (although I’ve met a few Republicans that would fit that description — particularly a couple in the Legislature that keep picking on school teachers.) Mr. Jones also signed a petition saying the Bush Administration may have deliberately allowed 9/11 to happen as a pretext for war. He said later he didn’t read the petition carefully before he signed it. Had he done so, he would have realized that the Bush Administration couldn’t organize a frog fight, let alone a terrorist attack.

Mr. Greenjeans also accused “white environmentalists” of “essentially steering poison into the people of colored communities.” How did a yo-yo like this ever get a job in your administration? I assume it was his scintillating personality. It couldn’t have been because he was a nut job and a two-bit racist. If that was the criteria you would have appointed Rev. Jeremiah Whoozit.

Anyway, I digress. I want you to know that I have found the ideal replacement as green czar. This person has had a lot of experience in the czaring business. I know for a fact that in my dealings with her, we have never voted on anything and even if we do and the vote is 1-1, she still wins because she says so. She isn’t big on the democratic process. That is what makes her such an effective czar.

It is to your benefit that she wouldn’t have to go before Congress and make nice with people like Barney Frank and that guy from South Carolina who booed you, because she doesn’t care much for politicians of either party and would tell them so. The one exception is Sen. Johnny Isakson, who in his wisdom always calls her instead of me. That guy can spot a czar a mile away.

But here is the best part, Mr. President. This czar loves green stuff, particularly broccoli. I keep telling her of a study I have seen that says broccoli is bad for you and the only way to overcome its negative effects is to eat lots of chocolate chip ice cream, but frankly I’m not making much headway.

By now, I guess you have figured out that I am talking about the Woman Who Shares My Name. If you want your next green czar to be somebody who loses sleep over the future of snail darters or is trying to figure out how to use reconstituted windmill blades as alternative fuel, she is probably not the best choice. But if you like broccoli — and lots of it — she has to be the pick. My guess is that she is a shoo-in for the Broccoli Hall of Fame. Things don’t get much greener than that.

Your pal,
Dick

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