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NEW AND IMPROVED COMMANDMENTS ON THE WAY
Much has been made
of whether or not to allow the Ten Commandments to be posted in
government buildings, but not much has been said about whether or not
the Commandments as written are appropriate in today’s fast-paced world.
After all, the original Commandments were written thousands of years ago
for a bunch of people walking around lost in the desert, with no maps
and no air conditioning. We are more sophisticated today. We have maps
and air conditioning, and we need Commandments that fit our more
tolerant life style.
As usual, I waited
for somebody to take the lead on rewriting the Ten Commandments, and as
usual, I ended up having to do it myself because everybody else is
preoccupied trying to figure out why Republicans in Congress are getting
their lunch eaten by the Democrats, who still think they run the
country.
My first decision
was to take the Ten Commandments off of stone. Stone is heavy and
totally passé as a communications device. Stone is also difficult to
edit, not that I am any expert on editing. I wouldn’t recognize a
participle if you dangled it in front of my nose.
Editing the Ten
Commandments has been hard work, but well worth the effort. I hope you
like the new version. Please clip and save.
1. (OLD) Thou Shalt
Worship No Other God.
(NEW) The worship of money is now permissible, because it contains the
phrase “In God We Trust.” It is the best of both worlds. Just don’t tell
the ACLU.
2. (OLD) Thou Shalt
Make No Graven Images.
(NEW)
Still not recommended, but you can make a John Kerry bobblehead doll.
Same thing.
3. (OLD) Thou Shalt
Not Take the Name of God in Vain.
(NEW) If you hit
your thumb with a hammer, slice a golf ball into the water or get poison
ivy, don’t take God’s name in vain. Instead, say #%^&#*!*%. It will make
you feel better and will disassociate God from your ineptness.
4. (OLD)
Remember the Sabbath and Keep It Holy.
(NEW) You may
ignore the Sabbath under the following circumstances: (a) To work in the
yard, (b) go shopping, (c) lay on the couch and watch TV while you stuff
your face with Cheetos or (d) rationalize why all of the above are more
important to your well-being than going to a house of worship. (Note:
When you die, you will have the opportunity to explain your reasoning to
God up close and in person. Good luck.)
5. (OLD) Honor
Thy Father and Mother.
(NEW) Oh, please. Parents are so out of it. What do they know about
anything? They can’t even set the clock on the VCR.
6. (OLD) Thou
Shalt Not Murder.
(NEW) If you do
commit murder — like killing a superior court judge, a court reporter,
a deputy sheriff and an immigration official — be sure to point out
that you are black and a victim of racism. That way Jesse Jackson can
visit you and recite a rhyme that starts, “Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho!”
7. (OLD) Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adultery.
(NEW) This commandment does not apply if you are richer than Croesus and
serve on the State Board of Regents. Please check the governor’s office
for eligibility.
8. (OLD) Thou
Shalt Not Steal.
(NEW) Filching
paper clips, pencils and printing supplies from the office doesn’t
count.
9. (OLD) Thou
Shalt Not Bear False Witness.
(NEW) You may
bear false witness if you are a CBS anchorman, or write for Newsweek
magazine and think it will embarrass the Bush administration.
10. (OLD) Thou Shalt
Not Covet.
(NEW) The
following are now eligible for coveting: (1) BMWs; (2) your neighbor’s
lawn that looks like Astroturf; (3) your neighbor’s wife, who looks
better than Astroturf; (4) Tiger Woods’ golf swing; (5) Tiger Woods’
wife, who looks better than your neighbor’s wife and Astroturf combined,
and (6) the unfathomable genius of modest and much-beloved newspaper
columnists.
Now that I have
finished modernizing the Ten Commandments, I am looking into the
possibility of adding a few additional ones, like making female
preachers mandatory and ice hockey a sin. Stay tuned.
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