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I CAN SEE THAT IT IS
GOING TO BE AN INTERESTING YEAR
I don’t know about
you, but I am ready for 2004 to slip-slide right on out the door. Any year
in which Ray Charles and Ronald Reagan die, but Osama bin Laden doesn’t,
has outlived its usefulness as far as I am concerned. It is time to move
on.
As grumpy as 2004 was,
is there any chance that 2005 will be any better? Good news. Your intrepid
correspondent has spent many days and nights locked up in a broom closet
consulting the ancient writings of the Druids, gazing at a slightly used
crystal ball and relying on my always dependable dartboard. I now see the
future clearly and I want you to see it, too. After all, what are friends
for?
The first thing I see
is that there will be no presidential election this year. That means we
will be spared from looking at Michael Moore, listening to Howard Dean or
caring about anything that Linda Ronstadt has to say. Oh, happy day.
I see Bobby Kahn, chairman of the state Democratic Party, being asked to
resign in 2005 because the party is in shambles. Kahn will resist, saying,
sure, the Democrats have lost the governor’s office, both houses of the
Legislature and both U.S. Senate seats in the past four years, but there
have been some very positive developments. Kahn will cite the fact that
our Ambassador to Outer Space, Cynthia McKinney, won back her seat in
Congress and that she is sure to make all Georgians proud as punch by her
words and deeds. Party leaders won’t be swayed by Kahn’s silver tongue,
and will urge Sheila the Family Wonderdog to take Kahn’s job and return
the Democratic Party to its glory days. Sheila the Family Wonderdog will
turn down the opportunity, saying, “I may be a dumb animal, but I’m not
that dumb.”
I see Howard Mead, who
spent $3 million of his own money in an unsuccessful race for the Georgia
Court of Appeals, announcing plans to run for sheriff of Clayton County.
Mead will spend $9 million and will come in fourth in a two-person race.
Mead will then become a political consultant and will make $12 million
telling candidates how to get elected to public office.
In the world of
sports, I see the University of Georgia, the oldest state-chartered
university in the nation, located in Athens, the Classic City of the
South, a serious contender for the national football championship, despite
having lost David Greene and David Pollack to graduation. Georgia Southern
will also be in the hunt for the Division I-AA championship and Valdosta
State will retain their Division II national championship. I see Georgia
Tech going 6-5 (again) and playing in the Whatsit Bowl (again) and Tech
fans getting mad and blaming me for everything under the sun (again).
Sometime during the
year, I see a reader getting upset with something I write and demanding
the paper quit running my column. That same reader, when queried by an
opinion pollster, will say that one of the basic freedoms in our nation is
the freedom of expression and that diversity of opinion is what makes this
such a great nation.
I see the American
Civil Liberties Union making a serious effort to eradicate all vestiges of
religion in the country by the end of A.D. 2005. Then someone in the
organization will figure out that “A.D.” means “anno Domini,” or “In the
Year of Our Lord” and that our calendar is calibrated back to the birth of
Christ. The ACLU will pitch a hissy fit and demand that all calendars be
calibrated to the birth of Barbara Streisand, making next year 63 B.S. (“Barbarosa
Streisandominimus”). As a result, the new calendar and everything else the
ACLU does will be considered to be “b.s.”
Whoa! What is
this? I see a plate of corn-fried shrimp impatiently awaiting my
arrival at the exquisite little Georgia Sea Grill on St. Simons Island.
These little critters gave their lives for me. The least I can do is go
thank them in person. I see that you understand. Happy New Year!
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