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STATE OF THE COLUMN: NO NEW TAXES, NO MCKINNEY
My
fellow Americans, rather than the rib-tickling, head-scratching,
mind-altering prose usually found in this space, today I will present my
annual State of the Column speech. (Applause!) I figure if presidents,
governors and assorted city and county politicos can waste our time
telling us what a wonderful job they are doing in their annual State of
the Whatever speech, you deserve no less from me. The only downside is
the risk of a wet kiss from former Congressperson Cynthia McKinney, whom
voters made ineligible to plant her usual smacker on George W. Bush at his
State of the Union appearance. (Applause!)
First,
I would like to announce that I will not be raising taxes on this column
in 2003. (Standing ovation!) You may smoke a cigarette and have a shot
of Jack Daniels while reading this column and you will not be charged a
single additional sou. (Another standing ovation!) I am sympathetic to
the fact that Governor Perdue proposes to raise taxes on booze and tobacco
(boos!) and to sock it to you for the fuel you waste in the gas-guzzling
SUV you drive at the speed of sound while talking on your cell phone so
that everybody will think you are important. (Silence)
Looking back on 2002, it was a year of daunting challenges, but your
columnist fearlessly met those challenges. (Applause!) It is with no
small degree of pride that I report my success in offending a record
number of groups and individuals over the past year. (Applause!) I said
Georgia’s Democrats were arrogant and out of touch with Georgia voters.
(Applause!) I said the Republicans didn’t do anything special. They just
happened to be in the right place at the right time. (Applause!) I
suggested that proponents of the old state flag, who seem to love the 19th
century so much, should be forced to live with outside plumbing.
(Silence) I repeated my long-standing assertion that Arab militants are a
bunch of jive-talkers that couldn’t beat Nebraska, let alone the rest of
the United States. (Standing ovation!) I ended the year by saying that
Georgia Tech remains my third favorite team in the world, just behind UGA
and anybody playing Tech. (Another standing ovation!)
I must
report to you, however, that as good as my record was in 2002, it was not
perfect. I thought Roy Barnes would be reelected easily. (Boos!) So did
Roy Barnes. (Boos!) I surmised that since former Senator Max Cleland was
shown the door by Georgia voters, he might choose to become a Boy Scout
leader. (Boos!) And I predicted that Jane Fonda would grow a beard and
join the Taliban. (Lots of boos!) But even though I made a few mistakes, I
still had a better year than did the Catholic Church. (Lots of Hail Marys!)
My
fellow Americans, history will not judge us by where we have been, but
where we are going. (Confused applause!) Where we are going in this
column is ahead! (More confused applause!) I have a great vision for
this wonderful country of ours. I see an America where all the good
running backs in the country end up in Athens wearing Red and Black.
(Standing ovation!) I see an America where people can choose whether or
not to eat broccoli. (Another standing ovation!) I see an America where
parents can tell their kids to take that stupid ring out of their navel
and not get sued by the ACLU. (Another standing ovation!) I see an America
where people of all races, creeds and colors can freely and openly worship
Ray Charles (A really, really long standing ovation!)
In
closing, let me say thank you for allowing me to be your columnist. With
your support and with the support of You-Know-Who above, I pledge I will
continue to reach out to those who are less fortunate – liberal weenies,
Baptists, cat lovers, lawyers and anybody who voluntarily chooses to live
in Atlanta – to make this a better column for our generation and for those
to follow. (Applause!) I am sorry to cut this short, but here comes
Cynthia McKinney and she looks like she is all puckered up. Thank you and
good-bye. (Standing ovation!)
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